Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships by Stella Harris

Author:Stella Harris
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: Sexual Instruction, Health & Fitness, Reference, Human Sexuality, Self-Help, Personal & Practical Guides
ISBN: 9781627782661
Publisher: Cleis Press
Published: 2018-09-10T23:00:00+00:00

TIEBREAKERS

I was in law school with an adorable couple (who had adorable dogs), and they had some wonderful systems for managing communication in their relationship. One technique they had that I’ll never forget was using the scaling system not for pain or for pleasure, but for how much they wanted something. For example, if they were deciding what to have for dinner, maybe one would want Thai food and the other would want Mexican. Inevitably they’d move to the scaling question:

“How much do you want Thai food?”

“I want it about a five. How much do you want Mexican food?”

“Been thinking about it all day, I’m like an eight.”

And that’s how they’d decide. Whoever felt stronger about the thing would win. I don’t think that system would work for everyone, but within their relationship they’d come up with a technique for breaking a tie. Of course, this system requires honesty and not fudging to get your way. And for that to work, you already have to be happy with your partner and be in a fairly good place.

The other useful technique they had was that if someone turned down a suggestion, that person had to make the next suggestion. So, to use the Thai versus Mexican example, it might go something like this:

“Do you feel like Thai food tonight?”

“No.”

“Okay, what do you want?”

“How about Mexican food?”

That way, the work to make a decision is equally on both people, rather than one person making suggestions and the other knocking them down one by one.

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